Just another way that the economy gets you into shit

Posted On Nov 21, 2008 at 11:21 pm
5 Comments

Toilet Paper When you do something repetitively throughout your life, you develop an unconscious motion that you perform without much thought. This is true for driving, writing, and yes, even wiping your ass. Chances are that when it comes time to clean up after doing your duty, you probably do not think much about the amount of toilet paper you use.

You could habitually stretch out exactly 18 inches - or 42" if your republican (have fun interpreting the meaning of that) - or maybe three and a half quick wraps around your hand to form a loop of paper with the most unfortunate of destinies.

Hell, maybe I'm wrong: Maybe you do in fact pay close attention during the calculation and preparation of toilet paper. I can't honestly say I've done much polling to get an idea for the average wiping behavior. Perhaps somebody should do just that, and while they are at it, finally figure out the answer to a question that has the power to divide friends and break apart families: Do the majority of people wipe standing or sitting down? Now there's a poll worth funding!

While I cannot for sure presume your code of ass-wiping conduct, I can say that I follow a basic routine habitually. I even manage to adjust T.P. usage based on an unconscious gage of the disaster below without a single thought, allowing my mind to wander on more important things such as "What the hell did I eat to produce that smell?"

This luxury of automation is the result of a consistency in the toilet paper I use which has been Scott's brand since as long as I can remember. Rough, thin and expertly marketed: There are twice as many sheets, but at the cost of it being twice as thin; though that doesn't matter, because you get twice as many sheets! Big numbers impress simple minds. I remember trying to argue with my parents that the efficiency ratio of Scotts' 1000 sheets! is just an illusion which ended up being a lost battle, but I digress.

I've never had to test the tensile strength or have doubt in it's consistency; I learned early on through trial and error how much T.P. was needed for the job and it has stuck with me.

So the other day I'm going through the routine as usual. It comes time to wipe and like any other day, I prepare just the right length of T.P. and begin the delicate cleanup process. At the most critical moment of close encounter, the impossible happened. I could almost hear the fibers tearing apart and echoing through the tiny room. Time stopped as if the rip were in the space-time continuum itself. I felt helpless and confused; my finger ...warm.

What the fuck just happened?!

Upon further examination I realized that the Scott's tissue was now even thinner than before. So thin, in fact, that you can see through it! In addition to being thinner, they have stamped a rough texture into it, assumedly to make the roll appear bigger. So not only is Scott's thinner and rougher causing you to have to use more, with less satisfaction, but it also costs more than ever before per roll.

The only reason I can imagine for the sudden change is to save money producing their product due to the tough economic times we are in. Well Scott's, you may have saved some money in production, but you will undoubtedly lose many sales now.

So that is how our economy got me into shit - literally.

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